When parenting doesn't go as expected
A mother reflects on a difficult period with her child and how she made sense of it
There are parts of parenting that do not match the story we have in our heads.
The days when we can’t find joy in the chaos. When we are trying our best but still wondering what we are doing wrong. When so many things feel much harder than they should, and we wonder why no one else seems to be struggling as hard as we are.
If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone. Here’s a story from a parent who had to sit with that tension.
These stories are shared anonymously and edited to protect privacy, so people can speak openly.
Mom of a ‘mean girl’
“My daughter was about seven when we went through a few big changes. Her grandmother, whom she was very close to, passed away. We moved to a different city, and she had to start in a new school. It was a lot for her to process in a short time, so we made sure we were there whenever she wanted to talk.
She used to be very happy and bubbly. But she soon became angry, difficult and defiant.
That was also when she started getting into trouble in school. She would call people names, say mean things, and couldn’t seem to keep her friends. It’s like the movie Mean Girls, but a little girl version. It felt like she had suddenly turned into a teenager, and we were not ready for it.
We figured the changes had affected her more than she talks about them. But whenever we tried to talk about it, she didn’t seem to be upset or show that it had affected her deeply. So we assumed things would get better once she settled in. But they didn’t. It became very stressful for everyone.
I was also afraid of how other parents might judge her, especially when she was with me. Sometimes she would kick or speak very rudely to me in front of others, and I never knew what might happen. I also didn’t want people to think I was just allowing her to be disrespectful.
We eventually brought her to therapy. Even then, it wasn’t clear what was really going on. So we focused on correcting her behaviour. We rewarded good behaviour, set clear boundaries, and tried to stay calm even when she showed a big attitude. But nothing seemed to work for more than a few weeks.
As a parent, the constant cycle of complaints about my child was excruciating.
I understood that the loss and the changes were difficult for her. But her mean behaviour, especially to the other kids in school, was hard for us to accept. Pain should never be an excuse to hurt others.
I was reading a lot of parenting books, hoping to find answers. But instead, I ended up questioning everything we did. Did we not prepare her enough for the transition? Are we not helping her process her grief? Were we too strict? Too lenient?
Over time, we learned that her hypersensitivity, together with asynchronous development, were likely contributing factors. Just knowing that helped me shift my focus. I stopped trying to fix her behaviour, and started helping her build the skills she needed.
Now, when she acts out, we remind ourselves, ‘If she could, she would.’
And that she is not behaving this way because she chose to.
Looking back, she could probably sense how desperate we were to fix things. And that probably made her feel worse about herself.
At that time, it was really horrible. I was lucky to have friends who made it safe for me to open up, but it somehow still felt very lonely because I felt no one could fully understand what I was going through inside.
We’re doing much better now. I’m so glad we didn’t stop trying. I might even say that I am grateful for that difficult period, because we’ve never been closer as a family, and I’ve also learned to be kinder to myself since.
Stories like these are not easy to tell. But they exist in more homes than we realise.
How do you relate to this story? I’d love to hear.
If you’re a parent with a story to share, I’d love to hear from you. This is a space for honest stories, even the ones we don’t usually say out loud.