Is there more to our conflicts about our children?
Three mothers share their conflicts about their children. As I listened, it changed how I saw my own. I'm curious what you might notice.
Many couples find themselves arguing more after having children.
On the surface, it looks like it is about the kids. What they should do, how they should behave, what is best for them. But as I listened to them share their stories, I saw my own in them, and I found something deeper beneath the obvious.
These stories are shared anonymously and edited to protect privacy, so people can speak openly.
Story 1: The small things that all add up
“These days, we mainly fight about the children.
My husband and I agree on the important values. We both care about things like sports and art, and we don’t put too much pressure on grades. As long as they try their best, we’ll be ok with the results.
We also want them to see the world. So we travel often. We have also lived in different cities, so the kids get to experience different ways of life.
When we disagree, it’s often about the approach.
For example, the other day, my husband wanted to walk the kids to school. It was very cold, and it takes about fifteen minutes to walk. I suggested taking the car, but he insisted that it was good for then to walk, even if it’s cold. We ended up arguing about it for 10 minutes, and it ruined my morning.
Very often, he leaves the small decisions to me. But when he steps in, he does things differently, and that is when we clash. It is always the small things that build up into a fight. And I’ll feel that I am not doing a good job, that’s why he has to step in. He’d also comment that the house is messy, how we are always rushing and every day is chaotic.
I really appreciate him doing so much to help. I also know that I can do more. But I am really trying to do my best. There is just so much to fix.”
Story 2: Time is the tension
“My husband and I run the house as efficiently as possible.
On weekdays, he is home with the kids in the evening. He has dinner with them, helps with homework and puts them to bed. I usually work late, so by the time I get home, it’s usually their bedtime.
Because of this, I keep my weekends free for family, taking the kids to their activities and spending time with extended family.
I also manage most of the planning because I know all the schedules and can organise our time efficiently. Most of the time, we just follow what I have planned, and it’s been working out fine.
My husband and I don’t disagree much, but when we do, it is usually about my work hours. He thinks I should be spending more time with the kids on weeknights but I find it hard to make that happen. His work is more flexible, so it is difficult for him to understand.
Other than that, I think we complement each other quite well. He is also happy to be home more with the kids, while he lets me have social nights out with my friends.
Story 3: Different ways of showing up
“My husband and I agreed that I would stay home full-time after our second child, so I could be more present while they are young. Now that they are older, I’ve been trying to find work again. But it has been harder than I expected. So much has changed, and I’m not quite sure what I can do anymore. As much as I loved being around for my family, I felt that I’ve also lost a big part of myself.
At home, I take the lead on most things. But now that the kids are getting more independent with a mind of their own, I sometimes feel that my husband does not really buy into my parenting style. I lean towards conscious and respectful parenting.
He is very practical and no-nonsense. I am softer and more emotionally tuned to the children. I have spent a lot of time reading about parenting and child development while I’m home. A lot of it makes sense to me, but I find it hard to get him to see things the same way.
As much as he thinks we should teach the kids to be kind, he also thinks that it is a good thing that the kids are afraid of him. So whenever they misbehave, he’d want them to be scared so they do not do it again. But it doesn’t always work. And it is also where we disagree most often.
The kids and him get into emotional battles, and I’m often the one left to pick up the pieces. I don’t know how to change his mind, and I’m not sure if it is also because he is slowly losing respect for me because I haven’t been working.”
As I was making sense of these stories, I found pieces of my own in them. And it helped me see what might be sitting beneath my own.
It became clear that the conflicts I have at home may not just be about the children, even though they sound like it. But they were revealing our fears, the gaps in how we see things, and the kind of parent we believe we should be.
And when these don’t match, they show up as disagreements that look like they’re about the children.
Do you see yourself in these stories? What stood out to you? I’d love to hear.
If you’re a parent with a story to share, I’d love to hear from you. This is a space for honest stories, even the ones we don’t usually say out loud.