My difficult child
A mother's story about a difficult relationship with one of her three children.
Logically, it should be easier to parent a child who is like you. But sometimes, those are the ones we struggle with the most.
Here’s a story from a mother I spoke to.
“I manage most of the day-to-day things at home. I’m in charge of the schedules, drive my three kids around, and make sure they have what they need. My husband and I rarely fight or disagree, but when we do, it is usually about our middle child.
My middle child and I have a tricky relationship. Many people say we’re very much alike, but we do not get along as well as with the others. I’ve tried many ways to connect with him, but nothing seems to work. My husband thinks that I am too harsh with him, but I feel like he shuts me off for no good reason.
For a while, I thought it could be a gender thing, or maybe because he’s the middle child, or simply a personality clash. I really don’t know what the real problem is.
Things are not always bad with him, but it’s mainly his attitude that I struggle with. He does not like being told what to do. He often does the exact opposite. Sometimes it feels like he just wants to go against me.
I’m not a tiger mom. I’d like to think that I’m reasonable, firm, and fair. With three kids, I feel it is important that I have the same rules for all of them.
We’re both strong-headed and stubborn. Maybe that’s why it is so hard for us to get along. These days, I’ve stepped back a little, and I have my husband handle more of the conversations with him as he listens to his dad more. I think stepping back is the best thing I can do for our relationship.
I just hope that when he’s older, this will all make sense to him.”
Listening to her story made me reflect on my relationship with my ‘difficult’ child. In many ways, he is quite like me, but he is also very much his own person.
It took me a while to recognise our similarities. The parts I liked were easy for me to claim, while the harder parts, I was naturally quick to dismiss. ✨“This is definitely not from me. I was never like this.”✨
Both my boys are very sensitive, but they express it very differently. One hides behind a tough front, while the other expresses it openly, often in tears.
For a while, my husband and I struggled with how to be fair to two children who are so different. It was only when I looked beyond their behaviour, and into what they were feeling, that we found ways that felt fair in our family.
It was also through my experience with my ‘difficult’ child that I started to understand myself better, especially the parts that I had been avoiding. In many ways, both my kids have been mirrors I didn’t know I needed, which I am extremely grateful for.
Do you see yourself in this story? What stood out to you? I’d love to hear.
If you’re a parent with a story to share, I’d love to hear from you. This is a space for honest stories, even the ones we don’t usually say out loud.