Bring some friction back
Why inconvenience helps us more than we realise
When my family lived in Singapore, most days were relatively frictionless by design. The system is built for speed and efficiency. Delicious food is affordable and everywhere. Domestic help is affordable. Deliveries arrive fast and often free. Public transport was safe and reliable. Services work as expected. Everything is optimised for convenience.
As a designer, I spend a large part of my time helping businesses create seamless experiences. The goal is often the same. Remove friction, make it fast and effortless.
Then we moved away.
A slower pace of life. Fewer options. Delivery fees that make you pause. More hands-on work with little to no help.
As someone who had spent years designing convenience, I found myself irrationally frustrated when basic things didn’t work as I expected. I also got frustrated with myself for not having what suddenly felt like very basic life skills.
Cooking. Driving. Walking on ice. Dressing according to the weather.
As I go through this midlife phase of learning the basics, my family had to unfortunately endure quite a few burnt meals. But somewhere along the way, we all decided that breakfast food for dinner is perfectly acceptable. Edible food is good enough. And imperfect effort still counts.
And honestly, I’m glad my kids get to see me fail often. They see me getting frustrated, bouncing back, having small wins, and occasional mini tantrums. The full spectrum. Sometimes I even hear them echo my own words back to me.
“It’s ok, mama. We’re all stupid at some things and smart at others.
We don’t have to be good at everything.”
Convenience takes real effort to resist
Humans are wired to take shortcuts. In Singapore, where many shortcuts are readily available, it was hard to resist. Most weekdays are filled with convenient options, while weekends are a little more intentional.
It was only after moving away, when I didn’t have the convenient option of fixing everyday problems with money or technology that my kids got to see more of the imperfect human that I really am. They see that learning is just as hard for adults as it is for them. That we all struggle, fail, and try again. And that it is never too late to learn something new. Somewhere inside those small shared struggles, we showed more of ourselves, and all grew closer.
Designers often remove friction to improve experiences. But they often leave some friction in too. Because effort increases value. So, not all friction is bad. And raising humans might require parents to intentionally design some friction in their everyday life.
Harmful friction like constant stress, chaotic environments or unrealistic expectations overwhelms people. That kind of friction is better removed whenever possible.
But there is also meaningful friction, like waiting, trying again, and adapting when things don’t go as planned. These are the friction that stretches us and helps us grow. It builds resilience, patience and creativity.
If our kids see us magically make things works instantly and perfectly, we could make them feel ‘lesser than’ and also significantly reduce their opportunities to practise these skills with us.
So yes, remove friction if life currently feels overwhelming.
But when you have the mental space and resources, consider taking the inconvenient route.
Take public transport instead of driving somewhere on a weekend.
Cook together instead of ordering in.
Go to the store instead of clicking “buy now”.
When faced with friction, instead of asking: “How can I fix this quickly?” we might sometimes first ask ourselves: “Is this harmful friction, or a potentially meaningful friction?”
If it’s meaningful, spend some time struggling with it together.
The truth is, many of us struggle with the uncomfortable feeling of struggle too. And that is the whole point. Our kids don’t need to see us solving problems with ease. They need to see us dealing with discomfort, so they don’t think it is just them.
What’s one piece of friction in your family’s life that turned out to be more valuable than you expected? I’d love to hear.
Love this! I really like writing my family’s schedule for the week on a chalkboard with this special rainbow chalk from Japan. This weekly ritual helps me take the time to mentally prepare for the week ahead (and sometimes even cancel things when I’m over scheduled!). 🎨